NARC ABUSE - Free Guide to Survive & Thrive
What is a narcissist?
A narc is often understood to be someone who’s in love with him or herself when, in fact, that couldn’t be further than the truth.
Narcissism is a coping mechanism to absolutely avoid negative self-beliefs. It is beyond the “norm” and is a pathological form of protection of the Self. Narcs are so deeply wounded they adopt an idealised self-image and project that into the world, so as to alleviate the pain associated with low or lack of self-esteem and worth. The pain of their wounded self is so unbearable they have become disconnected from their real self, which leaves them lacking true empathy and unable to understand or be considerate of others' feelings. As a result narcs are capable of believing, saying and doing the most hurtful, hateful things to others without remorse and believing they are totally within their right to do so. Everything can be justified away in the mind of a narcissist if it suits them They are never wrong. Equally, they can punish everyone else; clear of blame due to their own self-serving justifications. Arrogance is one of the many overbearing characteristics of narcissism.
Ultimately, people with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) are incapable of deep, loving, lasting relationships. They may have an enormous amount of charm and appear shiny on the outside, however, once they feel you are secured in their fairytale, the lights begin to dim and the darkness slowly sets in.
A true narcissist can be a vile human being, capable of unspeakable actions without any remorse. Ironically, narcs lack the very thing they need in order to overcome this personality disorder, the ability to self-reflect. Self-reflection is the beginning of considering responsibility for the way in which the world happens around you. Blame, the avoidance of guilt and/or shame, on a pathological level, prevents an individual from self-contemplation, the ability to take responsibility or not justifying their actions away by assigning blame elsewhere.
There can be a little bit of narcissism in all of us and we are all capable of not taking responsibility and redirecting blame, however, with NPD this must be done at all costs. It's a matter of life and death for them, a perceived death of the Self.
How do they get in?
It’s true, narcissists have usually experienced deep emotional wounding at the least. It’s how you, the compassionate, loving, kind, thoughtful, sensitive and caring person takes them emotionally under your wing. That’s pretty much all it takes. Even if you’re not consciously doing this, emotionally that is what's happening… and the narc knows it. If you weren't doing it, either they wouldn’t be hanging around wasting time looking for another caretaker, or they would be criticising you for not being more caring of them! From the get go they assert themselves as being right, even an authority on the matter. Their arrogance is already making inroads. You either stay or leave at this stage. It’s the self-doubt that reasons with your uncertainty. Well, maybe he/she is right, maybe I was getting/being/doing/saying it wrong. And here it is, the self-doubt, that’s the soft spot, that’s how they get in. They have radar for finding your soft spot, it’s their survival tool, a skill that keeps them in relationship so as not to appear or perceive themselves as unsuccessful in life, depending upon what they classify as success. A partner, intellect, career, status, wealth, the children and their behaviour, intellect, beauty, talents, careers, who they marry, their partner's beauty, intellect, talents, career, etc, etc.
SURVIVE
How to get them out!
First, realise you’re in relationship with a narcissist!
It took my counsellor to help me realise I was being emotionally abused. I was seeing her because I wanted help to make positive change within me, because I was believing his projection claiming our marital issues were all my fault. I had already begun a spiritual and emotional healing journey in my teens so it was normal for me to step up. The problem was, I was taking on all of the blame, unintentionally, but taking it. His insidious toxicity was seeping through me via my own self-esteem wounds. My counsellor printed off some material about emotional abuse. I was actually shocked that she gave me this document, photocopied from a book, with the chapter titled Emotional Abuse. What I read stopped me in my tracks and changed my life from that moment forward.
Listen to friends and family who you trust
If your good friend or close family member tells you they’re concerned about your relationship, listen. Be open to hearing. If you don’t agree, that is still your choice, but at least be willing and open to considering what they have to say. People who love you will speak up because they love you, if they have the confidence to do so and if they even realise the situation for themselves.
Believe yourself
My parents didn't see it. I went to them for emotional help many times. I wanted someone to tell him he wasn't treating me right. My parents didn't see it and coupled with a belief about not getting involved in other's business, they didn't speak up for me. They didn't see it for a long time. I was even treated as the one with "issues" and that I was too sensitive. It wasn't until after I divorced him and his behaviour became even worse they really understood and then, I was fortunate, they really supported me.
That was agonising, feeling judged, not understood and having to help them see past the smarmy façade he put on, while still dealing with everything that was going on for me and the kids. I had to believe what I knew was true. I had to back myself and I had to be prepared to not be understood. I even reached a place where I had to be prepared to "lose" the relationship with one of my parents because they couldn't get it. But, that was more about their own stuff and resistance, which is a whole other topic. Just realising that though, was a relief for me, it wasn't about me, it was about them. I felt free from needing their understanding. I was strong now. It took a long time, but I got there.
Learn about NPD and emotional abuse
There is heaps available online about narcissism and how it affects the person on the receiving end. Learning about the pathology of NPD is helpful in beginning to separate yourself from the experience, not disconnect emotionally, but to step back and observe the situation and the behaviour. It’s the wising up and beginning of recognising the narc tactics as, or just after, they happen. Information is power and in this case, can be life-saving.
In addition, learning from someone who has lived experience is invaluable. We really get it and know how it’s possible as a confident, intelligent, independent woman (although with your own issues) you can be reduced to a heaving wreck at the emotional hand of a narc! Learning about the symptoms of narc abuse and seeing that in yourself can be quite shocking but it is essential for reclaiming your mind, body and soul.
Experiencing PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) from a relationship with a narcissist is a real thing. I call it FARC (fallout after a narc) and, yes, it's supposed to sound like that other F word. It's a feeling of having been absolutely annihilated and it takes a lot of time, rest and self-care to recover.
Support
Seek support for what you’ve been through and are continuing to experience. Getting out of a narc relationship isn’t necessarily as easy as just leaving. They have the emotional strong holds and brain-washing already in place which are incredibly powerful, disempowering, confusing, crazy making and play upon your heart-strings. You may not even be able to think straight at this time and, ultimately, you don’t want to upset them as you know it will get worse! A catch-22 situation.
As I mentioned, information is power, and it works for the narc also. As you would have already discovered, they use any information they have about you, against you. Now’s the time to start keeping your cards close to your chest, without setting off that radar of theirs that senses everything. It’s a fact we have to face, things are going to get more uncomfortable as they realise there’s a rumble in the jungle. It’s just part of the process. Arm yourself with opportunities to not be around. Organise stay overs at friends for yourself if you can. Join a support group but call it something else. I would never ever suggest lying to someone, however, in the case of narcs, it’s about survival of your own sanity and wellbeing.
Don’t try reasoning
Realising you CANNOT REASON with a narc is pivotal to surviving and thriving narc abuse. They will NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER agree with you, no matter how OBVIOUS the truth is! I want to try and prevent you from wasting your time, energy, heartache and from more wounding. THEY MUST BE RIGHT OR WIN AT EVERY COST including the cost of YOUR entire being, and ultimately their own.
Reeling you back in
Narcs are talented… talented at sensing a shift in power and control. Have you ever seen a cat play with a mouse it has captured and is just having a little play before biting through its jugular, only to leave it there to rot? Yeah, you get the picture.
When narcs sense a loosening of the grip over you they will intuitively know what it is they need to do to regain that iron fist. For example, they can pull out sympathy to give you a false sense of security in believing they really do care or that it might just be possible to heal the relationship, instilling a sense of hope. This can go on for years! Or, they will say things that cause your self-doubt, guilt and/or shame for whatever it is you have supposedly done, or not done. Or, they will come down on you so hard you will be shaking in your boots to do anything but what you’re told. Sound familiar?
TACTICS! These are narc tactics at maintaining safety and security for THEMSELVES! It has nothing to do with you, other than you being the current chosen one they have control over and USE you to soothe their own pain. They believe their own lies, to the point where they can assume a truth about something or someone, especially you, and actually believe it to be fact. DELUSION and DENIAL are enormous coping mechanisms for NPD. They go hand in hand and it drives you spare! Incredibly disrespectful and disempowering, igniting wild rage, humiliation, frustration, depression and so on. Then, when you react, they use that against you. CRAZY MAKING!... also known as gas lighting.
The most important thing to know
Try to understand the narc THINKS they’re in love. THINKS they’re wanting an equal relationship. WANTS it to the core of their being. But, ISN’T CAPABLE of a healthy relationship. NO MATTER WHAT THEY SAY or WHAT YOU DO TO TRY TO HELP THEM! This is probably the biggest step in understanding narcissism and your relationship with them. It just isn’t possible. I know it’s sad, it hurts and you will grieve the ‘what could have been’, but that is way better than giving up your Soul to a relationship with a narc. I promise you! To be absolutely honest, the reality is, there never was the ‘what could have been’, it actually never existed as it was never possible. It was all an illusion for you, a delusion for them. Harsh I know, but it’s vital to know this if you’re going to survive and thrive.
Ending the relationship
Once you see all of this and you know you don’t want this anymore, you will want to work out how you’re going to end the relationship. The nature of a narcissistic relationship may mean you are actually emotionally, socially, physically, financially dependent upon this person. I was for many reasons. There was never the right time to end it. It wasn’t until I was prepared to face anything, and I mean anything; lose my house, homelessness, etc, that I was able to go through with it. I knew I could, and had to, face whatever he or life threw at me, for the sake of our wellbeing. I stayed for the children and I left for the children. How ironic. Say and do whatever it is you need to do to get out safely. Get physical support and assistance if you need it. Have a plan in place if physical violence is a risk. Even let the police know so there is record of what’s going on if things are that bad.
You don’t need to talk about the future with your narc, it’s just about the now, what you need today or for a couple of days. Remember, information is power. You don't want to give them power to control or manipulate you or the environment, you need to set things up the way you want and need them to be now. Take full blame if you must, knowing that you’re doing so as a way to get what you need for your safety and sanity. Once you’re out, or they’re out, depending on your situation, you can then begin to put strategies in place for the future. They don’t need to know it’s permanent, it just evolves, although you know you’re never going back. One foot in front of the other, one step at a time. This is key to the process. Some need to go into hiding, leave the state or even the country, if it's legal for you to do so. Do what it is that you need to do. You and your children, if you have any involved, deserve happiness.
Be prepared
Be prepared for the sky to fall in! A narc tantrum can be horrific, terrifying and dangerous. They can be capable of ANYTHING. Be prepared for threats, seriously, scary, get you in your weakest spots, threats. Just knowing that this is to come is helpful. You’re probably already used to this, just know it will most likely get worse and even worse again.
Depending on the nature of your narc and your individual situation you may need to do several things. It's important to make a plan, especially if your narc violent or threatens physical violence. In response to your needs you may have to do some things you don't want to but are necessary for you getting out of the relationship.
These may include:
Change your phone & mobile numbers
Change your house locks
Move house or state, go to a women's shelter
Unfriend and/or take a break from social media
Let all your friends and work colleagues know so they can support you and block the narc any way they need to. Narcs will use any avenue they can to get info on you, your whereabouts and what you're up to and use to to their advantage
If you have school aged children, inform the school and get access restrictions in place if applicable. They will tell you what documentation you need to support this
Get emotional and psychological assistance, counselling, energy healing, etc
See your GP for a mental health plan and/or physical check up
You might need pharmaceutical support to get through this such as antidepressants or blood pressure medication
Support groups
Women's services who can help you and inform you about what else is available to you and any children involved
Legal advice
Inform police of the situation, including emotional abuse and report physical abuse and/or threats
Lodge a violence restraining order (VRO) or family violence restraining order (FVRO)
Threats are often empty, bullying tactics, but you just never know. Report threats of, or actual, physical violence to the police. Decide if a VRO or FVRO is the right way to go just now. I don't condone pandering to NPD but danger is real and a VRO/FVRO may just send them over the edge, which might backfire for you at this time. ??? It's a big decision. Some will say you must, however, your safety is your primary objective and you can lodge an order when you are in a safe place to do so. If you need one, get safe and get one.
Your plan may not include much of the above, however, I recommend at the absolute minimum to get medical and psychological support as soon as possible.
THRIVE
SO, WHAT NOW?
Now, things just might get more difficult. Again, it depends on your situation. Once a narc realises their tactics aren't working, they can get really, really, shockingly nasty! Breath-takingly, hurtful, mean, punishing, vindictive, lying, arseh*le cruel!!!
This is the time to power up from within. Put as much protection around you as possible and begin the process of healing from within. This is the way to become empowered from your core so you will be able to deal with whatever crap they continue to fling at you and so you don't attract another narcissistic relationship down the line.
I committed myself to my process of discovery, recovery, healing, transformation, passion and purpose. I call it my "3D Life"... Degree, Depression, Divorce. I did my best. I made mistakes. I had some wins. It took time. I had to take time out. I had to keep shifting the goal posts. My three year degree ended up taking me 6 years, but I did it. A university degree, something I never thought possible. My self-doubt had been so strong it had put me off trying up until I turned 40!
I studied a Bachelor of Counselling and it was the best thing I could have done for myself and my girls. It was my passion, it is my purpose and it enabled me to write this today! In the midst of it all, I chose to do what was calling me all along. I did it in the face of him telling me it was a waste of time! And so the empowering began.
Recovery, Healing, Transformation
I have lost count of how many healing sessions and the like I have attended over the past, now, 10 years. My focus became about weeding out from within me, all that no longer served me and my highest purpose. It was freakin' hard! It has taken a tonne of hard work, dedication and absolute faith in a higher purpose to get where I have today. I have had to believe in myself in moments of vile lies and accusations from my ex.
Trust in the Universe that I'll be ok, no matter what situation my ex schemed and actioned.
Heart-break witnessing the continued emotional abuse of the girls.
Trust that they will eventually come to see the lies for themselves, which they now have.
Trust that I am role modelling for them an empowered way of standing up for oneself and setting strong, healthy boundaries around appalling treatment. Yes, I did!
Trust they will eventually see the truth, again, they now have.
Trust they will also recover, heal and transform from this awful experience that has and continues to devour their lives.
Update: They're now doing well, successful in their chosen fields, supporting themselves, have great friends and lovely boyfriends... they're shining in their light into the world.
Phew, we got through it. Although there are scars, but we're working on those and clearing the way for more peace and happiness.
Belief system
Through my now honed connection to what I call Source, I have come to understand many of the reasons why things happen. Why bad things happen to good people. Having a strong belief in this absolutely helps me to accept, empathise, transcend and forgive.
We cannot reach true, honest forgiveness without first honouring our feelings from our experiences. There is a natural order to recovery and healing. It also cannot only be done in the mind. We can use knowledge, awareness and change behaviours to make conscious change. Cognitive behavioural therapy is great while we are in control of ourselves. However, when we are triggered, often we cannot maintain that control to keep up the "good" behaviour, and so we lapse or relapse into our old ways and feel the pain as though it were yesterday.
Energy
Healing MUST occur on an energy level. It is science. Everything has a vibration. Everything. Our feelings and experiences are like energetic memories and they are held as a vibration in our physical and etheric/energy bodies. Science knows this. MRI's show this. Vibrational healing is the way to transformation.
This is what I have done and continue to do. I have gone on to study it and work with it. I have proven it time and time again with my clients, real lasting change happens for them when they have an energetic shift. I have worked with women who have been abused and haven't been ready to do energy work. They can see me for several months and go through a beautiful process of uncovering, discovering, growing awareness and understanding, however, it's not until they are finally ready to go deeper into the energy held within that they finally feel the issue is complete.
That day is incredible. They sense the shift, the release, the freedom and the inner peace. This is the transformation of darkness to light, Soul healing. From this place they are able to shift into their empowered sense of self, connect more deeply with their intuition and begin to create their life from a place of love, rather than fear, and live through their Soul Purpose.
This is my Soul Purpose, providing that opportunity for anyone who is ready.
Soul Healing
Ten years on from separating from my now ex, I'm clearer than I've been before, always working on the next layers, but finally feeling I'm doing what I'm here to do.
During several meditations where I was connecting to Source, I received clear guidance about how to bring through my Purpose. I have known for a very long time what I'm meant to do and how I felt to bring it through, however, the timing wasn't right.
Finally, the time was right, all that needed to align did so and I created a program for transformation. Called SOUL MEDICINE I provide an enormous amount of information, guidance, support, healing and transformation for women wanting to overcome their negative experiences (Soul contracts), understand why they happened and continue to be a pattern in their lives (Soul lessons) and create the positive life they just know is there to lived (Soul purpose).
My own experiences were because of my Soul contracts with my parents, which continued to pattern with many people, especially with the man whom I married and had children. My lessons were to learn about rejection, self-worth and empowerment, which are naturally intertwined with my Soul passion and purpose. I have finally arrived at that point, which feels incredible. I will continue, until the day I cross over as a Soul, to clear my energy body, to learn, to expand and to vibrate at the highest possible frequency that is LOVE.
You too can survive and thrive.
I can't wait to see you RISE & SHINE!
Are you ready to heal from narc abuse?
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To work with someone who has experienced and recovered from narc abuse brings so many added benefits those who haven't experienced it just do not understand.
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