RED FLAGS YOU CAN’T IGNORE
Article, as appeared in The West Australian Newspaper, Tuesday 5 March, 2024. By Katie Hampson.
Not every red flag warrants a break-up but some relationships are not good for us and can even be toxic so it’s important we know how to recognise them. Jealousy, controlling behaviour and making you feel unsafe are all signs of a toxic partner but experts say they’re not the only warning signs.
Indigo-Grace, a Palmyra-based counsellor and psychotherapist specialising in relationships and emotional and narcissistic abuse, reveals some of the other red flags in relationships.
They keep putting you down, even in a teasing way
“It was just a joke” is not a valid excuse for making you feel bad about yourself. Body-shaming is a big no-no, says Indigo-Grace, and that includes seemingly light-hearted quips at restaurants such as, “They’ll pass on dessert, thanks”. If your partner knows they are constantly hurting your feelings and won’t change, it’s a huge red flag.
They threaten to break up with you any time you disagree
This is emotionally manipulative behaviour, explains Indigo-Grace, and a tactic used to control the other person. Regular threats like these are designed to create insecurity. If one person feels they can’t express themselves, the relationship becomes unhealthy. It’s normal to disagree sometimes but you shouldn’t feel like you’re constantly walking on eggshells.
They’re moving too fast for you
The saying, “only fools rush in” holds some truth here. According to Indigo-Grace, if someone’s showing excessive and intense interest in you before getting to know you, that behaviour can veer into unhealthy relationship territory. Be wary of love-bombing.
They have you second-guessing how they feel about you
This is often coupled with gaslighting, notes Indigo-Grace. When you question their behaviour, they may say, “You’re too sensitive”, “You’re crazy”, or “It’s you who needs to calm down”. These phrases are designed to have you second-guessing your own intelligence and gut-feelings. Trust your instincts.
Distant or unable to maintain connection
If your partner is hot and cold with you, Indigo-Grace says this can cause self-doubt to creep in and the feeling of, “Am I enough?” She says the affected partner typically tries to do everything possible to please the withdrawing partner and this can backfire when you’re then described as “needy”, “clingy” or “demanding”. You’re not the problem here, insists Indigo-Grace. It’s their fear of emotional intimacy that needs work.
Their dating profile doesn’t match who they are
Perhaps they changed their age, or used a younger photo of themselves. They’ll probably try to explain their way out of the lie or even make light of it but Indigo-Grace reminds that positive relationships are built on trust. Also, what else might they be lying about?
They don’t listen to you
If your partner is frequently dismissive or turns the conversation back to their own needs or interests, Indigo-Grace suggests this reveals your feelings do not matter much to them. It’s selfish behaviour, she adds, but it can be improved with counselling and learning active listening techniques. It’s about respect.
Your friends don’t like them
Love really is blind. Listen to your friends.
They pressure you to look a certain way
If they’re pestering you to start going to the gym when you’re not ready, or to start dieting, or telling you what you can and can’t wear, give them the flick. Indigo-Grace says this behaviour is usually an extension of maintaining their own personal image because they see you as a reflection of their own worth. You may end up feeling like a trophy wife or a handbag girlfriend/boyfriend, and this issue comes down to your partner’s insecurities. Perhaps they depend on material things to boost their own self-esteem. If you no longer meet their expectations, you risk punishment. According to Indigo-Grace, this may reveal itself when they withdraw their love, respect and time. She says this a toxic partner’s way of manipulating you into pleasing them and fulfilling their personal desires.
They describe their exes as crazy
Character assassinations should send alarm bells ringing, warns Indigo-Grace. There are always two sides to every story.
They don’t have any genuine friendships
Take notice of their social circle, suggests Indigo-Grace. Are they only friends with people who can benefit them in some way, whether it be for things like status, information or money? This can translate to their love interests as well. Are you fit enough? Rich enough? Pretty enough? When you no longer serve those purposes, these kinds of partners search for a “fresh supply” to feed their ego. It’s the classic narcissistic “use, abuse, discard” cycle, Indigo-Grace says.
They’re rude to people serving them
Belittling or treating someone with contempt is their attempt to elevate their own worth above others, explains Indigo-Grace. These partners can also become impatient and angry when they don’t receive special treatment. They’re displaying arrogance, entitlement and a lack of empathy. Don’t be surprised if they go on to treat you the same way, she warns.
They invade your privacy
If they are going through your phone, bank account, health history, general post, internet history and personal belongings, they are crossing a line, warns Indigo-Grace. Similarly, denying you physical privacy, or privacy you have requested, is an invasion of personal boundaries. It can lead to more extreme behaviour such as stalking or using information against you later on, she adds. “You didn’t spend much on my birthday gift because you spend so much on shoes” is an example of weaponising the information they have mined, she says. While this behaviour is often stems from trust wounds, it’s still a worrying form of control if done without consent.
They get in a crappy mood when you spent time with your own friends or family
Does your partner tend to put your friends or family members down after you’ve been spending time with them? According to Indigo-Grace, this is a common reaction of partners who are used to feeling control over you while you are with them. She said this can also happen when they no longer feel they are the centre of your attention.
According to Indigo-Grace, if their explanations for not liking your friends sounds reasonable at first, it’s important to remain aware that this can indicate the beginning of their attempts at isolating you. Eventually, it may lead to demands of “choose me or them”. She explains that often a partner will pick a friend to pieces when they know that friend can see through them. And, while attempts to isolate a person can be difficult to detect at first, she insists on not letting a partner come between you and loving friends and family. Hold firm and keep in regular contact with them.
They constantly seek reassurance and rely on you to feel good about themselves
It’s not your job to caretake your partner’s every emotional need, notes Indigo-Grace. While being compassionate and kind is fundamental to a healthy relationship, putting pressure on you for constant reassurance, or blaming you when they feel bad, is unreasonable. Remember, it’s not your responsibility to make your partner feel good all of the time. Learning how to set and maintain healthy boundaries is crucial here, says Indigo-Grace.
Indigo-Grace is a counsellor and psychotherapist specialising in relationships, emotional and narcissistic abuse. Her practice, Indigo-Grace Soul Medicine is located in Palmyra, WA.
Katie Hampson, The West Australian
